I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Success! We fucked roommates!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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