wakey wakey hands off snakey
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
