I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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