I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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