My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
