Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
