I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
His hands were made for my vagina.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
