Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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