and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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