They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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