I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
