After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
