Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize