he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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