Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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