I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
