I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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