Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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