whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
