At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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