Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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