she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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