Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
