Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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