Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
