By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
