I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
