this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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