I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
