trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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