Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
