Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
