So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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