fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
