I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
