Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
