Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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