You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
