i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
50% drunk capacity currently
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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