the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
