Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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