I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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