he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
