What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize