The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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