sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
cat food counts as protein by the way
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
