There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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