I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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