ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
