I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
