screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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