I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Come on in and take your pants off
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