So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
