Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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