I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
