Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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