After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
