My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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